"Just reality" in ABC's 'Shark Tank'

Have you ever thought to yourself, “If only I could be a fly on the wall of some low-stakes business deals. I would give my left pinky toe—hell, maybe even the right one, too—just to hear some people talk percentages right now”? Well, if you have, you are in luck. Apparently, Mark Burnett of Tribal Buff fame and the good folks of ABC have cooked up a show just for you. It’s full of all the things you’ve come to expect from the exciting world of reality television: numbers, sales data, and literally standing in one spot for minutes on end, while everyone else in the room sits and stares. It’s called Shark Tank, and these sharks are…wait. There were no sharks.

Instead of sharks, ABC’s show offers a business-focused show that has far less action and challenge than, say, NBC’s Apprentice (which, indeed, it did seem to be riffing on, especially with the opening credits set to “Give Me Money,” in a very “Money”-reminiscent way). In this show, all contestants ever do is take the elevator up a floor to stand in a darkened room while they pitch their company/idea/device-thingy (it varies) to a bunch of millionaires (which is supposed to translate to “smart, successful people,” I assume). Said millionaires then haggle over the details and decide whether they will invest or not, and on what terms.

Take Tod the Pie Man, for example. Todd of Mr. Tod’s Pie Factory came in with a pie mascot and handed out free pie. After taking tiny bites (who cares about the actual product, right?), they begin to listen to this guy’s numbers. It comes down to two potential investors (Barbara of real estate and Daymond of FUBU), and then they just go wild with the fascinating statistics. Barbara needs this much equity, Daymond needs that much, and then they’ll give Todd half the money, but only if he…you get the point. It was around this time that I literally found myself asking “Wait. Is business equity now considered good television?” Tod eventually took the deal, and the climactic moment of his “win” (i.e., forking over half his business to unknown investors) was sealed by…a handshake. Then Tod left, and that was it. A new person got on the elevator, and I will probably never here about Tod again, unless he actually does make it to McDonald’s (that was his plan), in which case I totally hope that the Pie Mascot starts hanging out with Grimace and the gang. But since that probably won’t happen, I myself felt a bit defrauded, if you will—robbed of the climax to the plot.

The lack of plot structure and moment of triumph, though, isn’t the only problem with Shark Tank. Not only does it manage to stretch the limits of what actually constitutes entertainment, it also seems a bit haughty for this economic climate. We watch as struggling person after struggling person comes in and puts him or herself at the mercy of these millionaires. Some are laughed at, like Darrin Johnson, who wants to implant some kind of device in your head (it defies explanation). Some are just denied what they need. Some are granted money, but they end up sacrificing large portions of their profits. In short, we watch as the rich get richer at the expense of those with the actual products and ideas. I don’t endorse this as entertainment in any climate, but in this economy it seems particularly crass. And are we really supposed to believe and respect these people simply because they have money? I’m supposed to esteem Kevin Harrington, for example, because he commodified Barack Obama’s historic win and hawked the “Obama Coin” for his own profit? The value-system the show depends on is the very same that many in the country are taking issue with right now, making it a dubious fit for the current moment to say the least.

At one point in the show, Kevin O’Leary, a software tycoon says to one of the little people that deigned come before him, “That’s what I love about money. No emotions, no tears, just reality.” Oh, yes. And isn’t that what we all love about reality shows as well? No one lots a lot of emotion or drama in reality television. It’s not like reality television is based on emotion, tears, and in-fighting or anything, right? We just want reality. And evidently, that consists of rich people getting richer off the poor(er) people that come to talk to them in dark, ominous rooms, all documented in the most yawn-inducing way possible.